Saturday, October 29, 2005

If you are a guy, do this for a girl at least once in your life.

Listen up men. Esquire magazine (which I read on the plane earlier today) had a little blurb about some things girls like written by the "mom" star of the show Gilmore Girls. I don't watch tv, or this show but have been told that Sebastian Bach actually plays a pizza delivery guy on the show. WOO HOO. Ok so back to the point here. This actress gives a short list of things girls like, and one of them read "pick us up from the airport". BINGO. Airports are romantic. I don't know ONE girl who doesn't secretly wish her man, or in my case "a" man, is standing there at the top of the escalator, waiting for her with flowers. Or even better, a sign with her last name on it.

I fly all the time. Several times per month in fact. I eagerly turn on my phone when I land after 4 or 5 hours in the air hoping for the "beeeeeeep!" sound signifying that someone missed me while I was traveling. Nope. Not lately. Tonight I turned on my phone and there was no message, no emails, no nuthin. "Fucking blackberry, must be something wrong with it." I muttered to myself, worried deep down that I was actually wrong and that the horrible truth was that NO ONE MISSED ME. I stared at the screen, watching the little data arrows go back and forth getting my hopes up and then nuthin. The clock changed to 7:41 though. I had a sinking feeling inside. I fought it hard, and tried to remind myself that the opposite was much worse (being married to a controlling, insecure stalker-type who used to leave 4,5,6 messages for me) and that I would have to get used to this alone shit.

Riding the escalator in Hartsfield is like a giant dose of anticipation. They are long escalator and at the top is where the huge crowds stand to meet their long lost loves, family members, etc. They are held back by ropes and there is a line of folks in the front that continues down the side towards baggage claim all holding signs with names on them. I wonder if this is how it kind of feels like to be a celebrity, with people kept away from you by ropes and barricades. Now, I realize that most of these signs are from limo services picking up business travelers - but still, I know guys who are hilarious and balsy and I encourage them to make their own signs and stand there with them and see what happens.

Atlanta is a GIGANTIC airport. I have never seen a bigger airport. In fact, it is the world's busiest and claims to have shuffled over 85 million people in 2004. That's a whole lot of signs!

Anyway. Boys, if you are reading this make an effort to pick your sweetie up at the airport. Don't be late. Be very early and stand there at the top of the escalator - even if she does this all the time, and wait for her. She will love it.


Friday, October 21, 2005

A medley of my responses

I just couldn't help it. I HAD to cut and paste some of the emails I have received from these men. There is just so much good content for me to delve into here. In order for this to make sense I have to cut and paste what my profile on says.
Here it is:

"Please for the love of god have a sense of humor! Don't just email me and not read this, cause if you voted for Bush or define yourself as a "good Christian" we are not a good fit. The word "liberal" is not an insult, it is a way of life and I like those that think about how their life effects others and the world they live in. "

Ok so it's a bit harsh, but at least it's honest and is working to scare away the guys who want to take me to church or shut-up as they talk about how hard it is for white men to succeed in this country. Anyway, here are some of the responses my profile has received lately:

1."XM sucks try Sirius ... much better programming!
Hey Bush aint so bad.... entertaining to watch try and give a speach, if nothing else! later...
your good Christian friend who voted for Bush.."

Now this is just plane stupid. I love XM radio. Sirius has 1/5th of the subscribers that XM has, why would you send this to me?

2. "Actually, I did vote for Bush, but everyone was yelling "Hurry up dude! Just pick one!". I also just lost 5 lbs. and broke a sweat when I read your profile, it kinda scared the hell out of me :)!

An excellent email! It sums up why I think Bush won in the first place, considering most people don't know WHY they voted for him and tend to make up shit like "I want to feel safe in my country". So this means you think he's improving our international "friendships" to prevent us from being attacked? Huh. Time to turn off Bill O'Reilly and learn some shit folks.

3." I voted for Bush..the diifference between a liberal and a conservative is that I respect your opinion and who you voted for but being a typical narrow minded, attacking, no solution to anything liberal, well, I'm not surprised...

I luv ya'


Ok fine. So as a good conservative do you also respect my HUMAN FEMALE RIGHTS to CHOOSE what's best for my body, overall health and safety? Do you think it's ok for YOU to decide what laws should be enforced for me, as a woman, even though you cant comprehend childbirth? I wont be surprised if you have no answer to this, or even a solution.

4. I am a god fearing good Christian and hold George W. Bush as my personal savor. Jesus, at this point is one step below how I feel about W. And I believe we should bomb the French, the Pacific Ocean (because of Katrina) and force all liberals to wear an L on their shoulder. Amen. YouÂ’re a weird chick, engaging in those weird sports with spandex and number written all over your body. You shouldnÂ’t have any contradictions in your life, either believe in Jesus or your savor George W. and if you have any doubts, just listen to this tapes I have of Cheney speeches with Condoleesa interludes, itÂ’s peach.

This is so damn funny I had to write back to him. "bomb the Pacific Ocean"??!!! BRILLIANT!!

5. "Oh yeah, one more thing - I HATE the Patriots...."

This is from a Pittsburgh fan who just cant get over the fact that they arent SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS. loser!

*sigh* I will prevail. One of these days a post will flow from fingers and be full of "I cant believe it, he is just perfect!". I will not let this southern town bring me down. I will not submit to your god-fearing ways and start wearing a bonnet to assuage your fears of my independence. no way jose.


Mario Andretti's got nuthin on me!

Yesterday I beat out the men and women I work with at Mario Andretti's adult go-kart track. Here's the link:

There is no better feeling for me than beating men at a machismo, testosterone-filled events such as racing cars or karts for that matter. I was so jazzed up to get on the track I actually started to get nervous as I sat and waited in a line of karts spewing exhaust. These puppies go 40mph. You have a certain amount of time allotted on the track and you're considered good if you get 13 laps in under 34 seconds each. I did just that, TWICE. My average lap time was 33.7 first time around and then 32.6 in the second heat. I think my co-workers are now afraid of me.

I don't know what comes over me but I refused to loose yesterday. I was a raving lunatic! I hit the gas and wouldn't let up, I passed coworkers on the outside of these snaking "S" turns, I cut them off, I crashed into them, I rammed them. I was a nut. I devised a strategy very quickly: let up on the gas and punch the break causing the kart's rear end to spin around the curve while turning into the slide, JUST LIKE DRIVING IN THE SNOW IN NEW ENGLAND, and then floor it on the gas as you come around the curve. On the big curves you hit them at an angle and just accelerate. And finally, when trying to pass someone, go to their inside and cut them off while you floor it. My heart is pounding just typing this! I was such a nut yesterday! I came in second in the first heat and then flat out refused to loose in the second heat. The second heat was full of my male coworkers who planned to school my girly ass. My fairy godmother was not going to disappoint me, I just knew it. I was afraid, and went "wicked" fast to keep my head above water. I wrestled my Brooklyn friend around a few corners, and would not let him pass me. I got freaken broadsided by another dude and kept going. I really had no idea how I had done, I just knew no one passed me.

Now, folks, I realize I am making a bigger deal out of this than needs to be but it feels so good to BEAT THE BOYS!!! We all made a bet on who would win the second heat. And I made a whopping $5 bucks.

The major question of the day is "Why am I so competitive?".

Simple. I have a twin brother. Anything he did I had to do and I learned very early how great it felt to beat him. I didn't always beat him which only fueled my inferno to strike while hot, immediately.

Fire in the belly!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I love Wayne Bradey

Dear Wayne,
You are amazing. Next time you are within 100 feet of me, please PICK ME from the crowd and have me assist you on stage with your "off-the-top-of-your-head" rap comprised of stoopid industry buzz words like ROI and shit. The Direct Marketing Association is not a super interesting group, even though it is comprised of all kinds of ad agencies. YOU made it so much fun.
I have never been so entertained before. BRAVO!!

Also, please star in some upcoming movies. I'd love to have a Christmas special of you and see you surpass Will Smith as a funny actor.

that's all.


Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The custody handoff always sucks

Poor little guy. He cried and cried for his dad as we drove away from the parking lot where we did the handoff tonight.
"dadiieeee" he cried over and over, as he covered his face and cried real tears. Makes me feel like complete shit, I tell ya.
However my sweetheart, conservative-yet-awfully-liberal friend gave me a farm themed John Deer tractor toy set to give to him - complete with a rather broad shouldered farmer, a sheep (I am pretty sure we have seen sheep in all of the books we have read together, however this sheep is being called a "rabbit" by my son- I think it's fur is too white), a "horsey", a cow and a pig. All crying stopped when this was presented to him. He wrapped his little arms around it and hugged it. We went shopping at Whole Foods with it, we took a bath with it and he is now currently sound asleep with it in his crib. I cant think of anything I enjoy that much that I want to bring it everywhere, that it cant possibly be out of my grasp for more than a nano second. Well, I can think of something (someone?) but this is a good clean post. :)

I literally just tip-toed into his room to snap this picture of him sleeping with the tractor. It is pitch dark in his room, however the flash made it all possible. As you can see, he is asleep on his stomach with the tractor behind him.

Thank you for the incredibly thoughtful toy and conversation. What a friend I have found in you - even if you voted for Bush, believe we should be at war and don't believe in global warming (inside joke, sorry folks!). My son stopped crying because of you, I stopped feeling bad, guilty and selfish for divorcing his dad and all is now quiet and good on the range here tonight.

20 points for you!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The war of northern aggression

I have just finished watching "Cold Mountain" thanks to Netflix and am now re-enchanted with the idea of true love. My heart is swollen in my chest at the thought of loving someone so deeply again. It's only happened a couple of times for me and for that I am grateful. I am lucky to have had at least those two relationships in my life. It's obvious to me that I mistake my instant chemistry with someone for something more, when it is merely a crush or even worse, lust. This is how I ended up married to a man who thinks the Civil War was not about slavery, and that we "northerners" have been miseducated with our American history.

Someone said to me today , "oh you'll get married again." Her optimism piercing through my facade and warming my soul. It felt good to hear for some reason. Another sentence that struck me was, "he's perfect for you cause he doesn't want to get married". Huh. How interesting.

It is hard to fight back tears when I think of how completely odd and unnatural it is to be a mother and not have my child with me when I am home. These thoughts make me say "I will never get married again". Thoughts derived out of a heartache I fear I will never get used to. A heartache I don't want people to see and try to console me with "I understand". Their intentions are so genuine, but there is no way for them to comprehend how painful this experience is. My child was a gift to me, and I remember feeling so excited at the hospital when he was born over the simple fact that he was mine and I got to take him home and keep him with me. That this joy was not something I would loose, it was not temporary or something I could only enjoy for a moment and then feel jealousy as it was given to someone else. Nope, this little boy was mine. He needed me to survive. Folks, this is true love. Love like I have never felt before.

I have developed some coping skills so far. Traveling for work and training for triathlons. Both are exhausting and rewarding in their own way yet incredibly conniving. I am not sure I do both because I want to, my motives are based out of "have to" or I might sit here and erode away like a sand castle built too close to the water. Time alone without my son is the loneliest time. Let me be clear that a break from a whilrwind toddler is much different. A break is brief and has no legal document stating when you can start and when you can stop being apart from your child. A break is relief. This time apart can not be classified under the same category.

Like I always do, I suck it up. I dust myself off and don the "such is life, keep breathing, things could be worse, etc" speal that keeps my sanity from slipping away from me. I daydream about being married to a man I find incredibly funny, sexy and gentle. One that reads to BOTH me and my son. One that let's me be me and encourages me to be more. One that knows his American history for christ sake!

**picture is of me, my dog and my little son sleeping....a long time ago.