what to say during an interview

I just spent 10 hours straight interviewing candidates in LA. I am still here in sunny Los Annngellllleeees and must say this time around my trip here has been much more enjoyable. Remind me to tell you why 2000 was horrendous. No vomiting at the Polo Lounge, no vomiting in Beverly Hills with a Greek limo driver rubbing my back couching me through it with "in dru da noce Diana, out sru da moud", No LAX strandings. No Tommy Lee Jones.

Ok. So an over-qualified ass-kicking female shows up for her interview and tells me the following story:
"I was searching for a pen in my purse during this important interview, and .....as I pulled out the pen a TAMPON went flying out of my purse and landed on the conference room table. The interviewer (being male - which in my mind makes the story THAT MUCH BETTER) just stared at it as it slowly rolled down the table and quietly off the side and onto the floor. Needless to say that interview was over."

How do you compete with a TAMPON? I don't care how smooth you are. How. HOW do you deal with that?? A woman interviewer would totally understand how hilarious that was and it would be no big deal after some laughing. The fact that the interviewer was male kills me! Makes me want to try it out on someone just for effect.

I have finally started introducing my blog to some friends of mine. I even tip-toed out onto a limb and sent it to my uber-talented copywriter friend. She thinks it's cool, that I should write a book and has bookmarked this little blog-wanna-bee. I am in shock as I suck at writing, couldn't tell you the proper use of sentence structure or even what a subjective verb is. Do you know what this little compliment has done for my self esteem?? Now I will write about everything! I promise to make it interesting.

Now, back to da boys.
I recently received an email from a handsome young man I went on 2 big awesome dates with. Perhaps he wrote out of guilt for basically blowing me off via EMAIL for 2 months. Here is what he ACTUALLY wrote:

"And your menu of options sounds tasty. Only thing is, I started seeing someone recently and I want to see where things might "go," as they say. But don't worry, I haven't turned totally faggy or anything (that's the bestest non-PC way I could think of saying it). I mean, I'm not locking myself to the whippin' post anytime soon, so . . . maybe we can get together a little later on(?)
And btw, what're you up to these days?
Talk to you later,"

PLAYAH. In the beginning of the paragraph he breaks it to me that he is not interested in going out with me again because he is seeing someone. The end of the paragraph he invites me to join his fucking fan club and wait for him to call me like I did with Sebastian Bach of Skid Row in 1989!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!www.sebastianbach.com. Well Sebastian never called me. So I wrote back something to the order of "a little later on? I'll just be sitting here holding my breath." I also randomly included a link to snoop dogs shizzolator www.asksnoop.com for no reason. Tee hee!!

One day old baby and one day old Momma! 


single motherhood

Bath time! 

Your empty crib is breaking my heart

My house has become so still now that the sounds of your curiosity are not here. I no longer need to wonder what you are getting into, even though I do, and I am acutely aware of just how much free time I now have on my hands. Your toys are where you left them the other night, your soft over-sized teddy bear lays on the living room floor where you tackled him with a hug. Books lay on their spines open and waiting for you to say "oh wow!" as you discover their colors and pictures. Our dog strolls around the house and always checks your room to see if you are in there, making me wonder if she thinks the same thing; it's too quite in the house.

I know you are probably fine and overflowing with belly laughing while watching your favorite movie, Finding Nemo. You love your dad which is why I endure this. The days you are not with me are empty and raw. I torture myself and sit in your room. It makes me feel closer to you. I fold your blankets and wind up your little giraffe and listen to the sound of it's lullaby and drift back to the first few days of your life when I would hold you for hours and days. Your baby smell, the little grunts and squeaks you made as you nestled into my embrace. I had no idea what joy you would bring to my life and I am forever thankful you picked me. It cheers me up to think of the person you are and who you will become as I am already so proud of you.

The time I spent fussing over you and worrying about you is what makes me crazy. This time is now unwarranted and leaves wondering what to do with myself. Mornings are the toughest when I know you are not there, but still I check on you anyway and long to hear your baby voice greet me with your enthusiastic "Hi!" as you scramble to hand me something from your crib. I caress the soft sheets of your crib with the entire palm of my hand, caressing my own heartache.
Life changing events like this one don't allow you to just be. I must "suck it up" and "keep on keepin on" while donning the game face and chin-up strut to fool everyone that I haven't crumbled as a result of my own decision to change our lives. It is spring now and with that comes things anew.If someone would only tell me how to breathe I might shake this sorrow and seize the day.

Thank you for picking me to be your momma, I love you little man.
single motherhood

What I really want my match.com profile to say

After receiving a slew of emails from men on match.com who are so completely not my type I decided to write a new profile. If these men actually read my profile they would NEVER have emailed me. I am not religious, I am not looking to "join someone in prayer" every day. I didn't vote for Bush, I cried when he won again. I love my gay neighbors and friends. It's obvious why some men are on match.com, others it takes meeting them in person to fully understand their definition of tall versus mine.

I didn't post this on match.com, instead I sent it to my friends who are also on match.com to get their feedback. They all dared me to do it. This is the next best thing.

"Tall, yeah TALL – like taller than you blonde looking for a man. I thought some of you might consider yourself to be one, and one that is interested in communicating. I don’t need you, nor does my son – who by the way already has a dad, but it would be nice to have an intellectually stimulating dinner where Jesus is not brought up once, unless of course you are so funny that it just falls out of my mouth. You better have a job, a sense of humor and a clue when it comes to telling me about ALL the other women you’ve met, dated and slept with off of match.com. I am not a bionic woman who does nothing but work out in her free time. I am a single stressed out mom who can not meet you last minute. Got it?

Time wasters need not apply. Don’t ask me why I am divorced if you don’t really want to know. I am a man eater – so be careful. Just because I am on match.com does not mean I am desperate, nor stupid.

Lastly, I believe in astrology more than love and marriage. So far the astrology has been more accurate at predicting my success with you freaks.”