Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mother's Day 2006

Infamous words from this weekend....

1. "This is the first time I have ever given a girlfriend a mother's day gift"

Some words of advice to those who have children in diapers, DONT take a child to the mall who you have just started to make wear underwear instead of diapers. It's one giant trip to the bathroom, over and over. Feels like banging your head against the wall. Just when you think "ok. now that that has been taken care of we can go shopping....." you get another surprise. Many possibilities arise just as you walk to the furthest point in the mall from the bathroom. You have to take their shoes off, help them use the toilet, change them out of their soiled clothes, put them in fresh clean clothes, shoes back on, wash their hands, etc. It's exhausting.

All just part of the job though, a job I am happy to have. I intend to document our journey from diapers to boyhood well so he will fully understand how big a bouquet he should send me on Mother's Day.

This year I have my boyfriend in my life who agressively upheld his "Mr. Wonderful" title by ensuring I had a nice mother's day. I cant help but think of the irony of this. My son is not his child nor his responsibility and yet he went out of his way to make sure I had a nice day. We enjoyed a nice breakfast together, he gave me a gift certificate for a massage and lastly he painted my toenails while my son took a nap. Yes, he painted my toenails. I LOVE THAT! More than the massage or anything. I sat there staring at him while he carefully did this (clearly he has had lots of practice, but I dont need to wander down that thought path) in disbelief. He kept thinking I was inspecting his work, looking for mistakes. He had no idea how shocked I was. I didnt care if he painted my whole damn toe red, it was the mere fact that this was even happening that touched me. Some man, unrelated to my son was pampering ME on mother's day. I had to fight off my usual "no no no, I can paint my own toes..." and just let it happen. *sigh*


Thursday, May 11, 2006

Doesn't matter how hot you are...

Seriously. Guys, it doesnt matter how hot you are, if you are old enough to apply for an AARP card it's just not going to work. I dont care if you are "in your 40's" which means you're pushing 50. I dont want to wait in line so you can get your food for $.55 cents cheaper than me thanks to your AARP card.

Why on earth do we hot young women find older men so attractive? I mean I have always dated older men, ALWAYS. It's just how it goes when you are a smartass like me. Boys my age are still playing video games and watching MTV Real World with the hopes of one day getting on the show. For me dating older men was the only way I could avoid running through the wall during dinner like a Looney Tunes character leaving just the outline of body in the wall. I have been told many times that I am intimidating and that anyone who dates me needs to have his shit together and be super confident in himself. Great compliment, but why does it seem that women are simply surpassing men as a species in general? It seems that there are more and more men out there who simply subscribe to the "I am just gonna sit here in my easychair and take up space and then one day I will die". That's it? You dont have to give Mother Theresa a run for her money but do something with your life. Also, those men who are wealthy and draped with women who own fake-boobs need to take a real hard look at reality. Dude, if you were broke she wouldnt want to screw you. It's that simple. Why are you settling for that?

Playboy has an article out about plastic surgery for women's more private bits. HOW INSANE is that?? After creating and growing your precious children we then have to worry about how tight a fit we are to you men - again focusing on YOUR satisfaction instead of ours? Why are we, as smart sexy women tolerating the increased pressure on us to get bigger boobs and "prettier" pussies? Why are we not throwing a fit (clearly I am) over the giant pot-bellied-men waddling around golf courses? I think we should require men to complete a Survivor-like obstacle course before they get laid. Nuff said. Big tits or not, if they cant finish the course they dont get laid.

All fired up!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Great hair day!

I am gonna kill whoever invented Pop Tarts

I go through phases where I eat really well. It usually lasts for months. Things like swiss chard, tofu, spinach, organic everything, no sweets or desserts, blah blah blah. This is not one of those phases all because of the damn cherry Pop Tarts in the vending machine at work. I get so hungry and they start calling my name. I drift over there like a cartoon-ribbon and simply push C3 and down they fall. Before I realize it they are gone and I still unsatisfied. Curses you POP TARTS!!! I went years and years without you, having no recolection of your taste and now I am ruined. On one rushed morning I skipped my "extra protein" oatmeal and zoomed into work starving. You preyed on me. You knew I would cave.

Today I showed you. I otped for the granola bar (300 less calories!) instead.

With that said, Pop Tarts has an amazingly entertaining website with little pop tart cartoons. Chock full of pop tart drama.