Friday, May 11, 2007

Mother of the Year Job Description

This is a fantastic job description for Moms. I think it really speaks to the struggles all moms face with trying to have some semblance of an identity outside of their kids. Being a mom is wonderful and challenging, making you doubt yourself, your sanity and your meaning in life. This weekend should be a time to stop worrying if you are a good mom, if you're skinny enough, if your kids like you, if your kids are developing correctly. Just enjoy the fact that this little person adores you and wants to see you smile cause he painted a picture of you "all by himself".

POSITION : Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tonguere peatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. Aballoon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption thatcollege will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job suppliesl imitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Spiders in the Ears

There are somethings in motherhood you can never be prepared for. Like this story for example: Pain was two spiders living in boys ear . Yes, it does in fact read "pain was two spiders living in boys ear". I just cant fathom having to calmly take my son to the doctor and discover that he has SPIDERS LIVING IN HIS EAR and then feel like I was doing a great job as a mom. Now hear me out for second here. All mother's feel responsible if their child is hurt. No matter what, even if my son is far away with his dad and something happens to him I will always think "I should have been there to help him, If I had switched weekends he'd be ok" etc. etc. So to have a doctor flush out to spiders out of my sons ear would send me into the bowell's of depression over my pure utter neglect as a mom. I know it.

Women who do not have children do not fully understand how important Mother's Day is. I love the little footprints of my sons feet his daycare teachers make that they turn into cards for me each mother's day year. My son is almost 4. I am moving back into the house I lived in when he was born so I can hopefully sell it and be out of the landlord business. This house is soooo full of memories for me and I am still trying to get my bearings on being there. Some rooms remind me of the awful fights and craziness I endured while married, other rooms remind me of my son as a baby and the bathroom reminds me of puking for 6 months while pregnant. I plan to paint the rooms different colors, hang different shaded on the windows and install lighting - all in the hopes that it will change my thinking on the house and lessen these burdensome memories. Maybe the real estate fairy will come along and send someone to buy my house before I have to move into it.

I am selling this house because I need to pay off debt. Debt I have amassed trying to KEEP my two houses. The biggest mistake I made, other than marry my x, was to keep the houses when we got divorced and buy him out of the equity. He made out like a bandit - a BIG giant check was written to him over two years ago. Since then I have slowly realized that these houses were sucking the life out of me. In two years I have had 3 tenants in one, ALL of them turned out to be assholes. These houses are like Spider's in my ear actually. I just cant rinse them out and rid myself of the annoying "snap, crackle, pop" sound infamously described by the kid in the article. My optimism shows up from time to time bringing me visions of a debt free life, without these houses keeping me tied to my past and setting me free to start over.