Thursday, April 14, 2005

Any non-boyfriends out there????

Ok, after a lot of flack for this post I am now posting a "forward". So here goes.

Attention, the following post is nonsense. This post was written after someone professed their love for the author after a couple of dates. In no way do the words written below represent how the authors feels currently. The words expressed below are in fact written by the author, however she would like all future boyfriends to know that anyone qualifying for "non-boyfriend" status will be thrown back.

Why cant I find a guy who just wants to go on a couple of dates every now and then and maybe end up in my bed for a little while? I mean, I am basically interested in a committment-free relationship right now and CANT FIND ONE. It's a little more complicated than this of course. Me being me I want him to be good enough to introduce to my friends and have them say "what's wrong with you?! why wont you commit to him". to my ears.

Dudes, c'mon I am a single mom with a little bit of free time - let's just get to the point ok? I dont want to lay in bed all day and gaze into someone's eyes and dream of more babies. I gotta get up and take care of a bunch of shit that I cant do when the little guy is around!

Where did all the handsome committmentphobes go? I used to know tons of them. In fact my radar always picked them up (see my post about guys in Boston) and I would run the other way. What happened here? My therapist encourages me to forget dating and spend time reconnecting to me. Which I find a little boring but I understand what he means. Hence why I am campaigning for a non-boyfriend. Non boyfriends are so good that you want them to be your boyfriend just not in reality. They seem to show up on your caller ID at just the right time. They miss you. They are fun, they are good in bed. They are BUSY. Doing what? I dont know, but my point is that they have a life that doesnt revolve around hunting down a wife.

What the fuck is my point here? No wonder I cant seem to go on dates. I annoy myself.

As soon as I go on a date I will post it ok? I promise.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What's grosser than gross?

When your child poops in the bathtub. Wanna know what's grosser than that? When you take aforementioned child out of tub and into his room to diaper him and clothe him while your dog eats up the aforementioned poop.

yeah. that's grosser than gross.
The perpetrator.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Triathlon here I come!!

So I am all pumped about the triathlon. About a ½ hour ago I got my best friend on board and then ran out the door to hit the gym. I took the “other” elevator and get off at the wrong floor in my parking garage and have to walk up two floors to find my car to get my gym bag. I purposely leave my sneakers in the car so I have NO EXCUSE to avoid swimming. I get to the gym and they require that I update my ID. I wait 15 minutes to do this only to leave membership with an ID where I am looking to the side like a pac man ghost.

I finally am proud of myself for even being at the gym. It’s such a nice gym I cant figure out why I don’t go more often! I’ll admit it, I was kinda shy in the locker room putting on my bathing suit. I don’t look too bad, I tell myself as I look at my huge hips in the mirror. I wrap myself in my towel to make them dissapear and head out to the pool with swim cap and goggles in hand. I plan to wear them so I start off on the right foot.

I walk up the stairs to the pool level and notice a big sign that says “we are sorry but our pool is out of service due to plumbing problems. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused you.” So I go back to locker room and get changed back into my work clothes CAUSE I LEFT MY DAMN SNEAKERS IN THE CAR. Of course!! Damn damn damn!

As I leave I ask the manager when the pool will be fixed. He says “oh I am so sorry, we don’t know – hopefully by the end of the week”. Then I suggested that they put a sign up in their LOBBY and on their WEBSITE – both off which I checked prior to changing into my bathing suit – to notify members that their pool is out of order.

THEN. I get back to work and start assembling my stupid south beach diet lunches. I drop the turkey slices on the FLOOR. I pick them up and wash them off as I had no interest in eating a cheese rollup.

My day so far has been a test of resiliency!