Friday, March 18, 2005

Your empty crib is breaking my heart

My house has become so still now that the sounds of your curiosity are not here. I no longer need to wonder what you are getting into, even though I do, and I am acutely aware of just how much free time I now have on my hands. Your toys are where you left them the other night, your soft over-sized teddy bear lays on the living room floor where you tackled him with a hug. Books lay on their spines open and waiting for you to say "oh wow!" as you discover their colors and pictures. Our dog strolls around the house and always checks your room to see if you are in there, making me wonder if she thinks the same thing; it's too quite in the house.

I know you are probably fine and overflowing with belly laughing while watching your favorite movie, Finding Nemo. You love your dad which is why I endure this. The days you are not with me are empty and raw. I torture myself and sit in your room. It makes me feel closer to you. I fold your blankets and wind up your little giraffe and listen to the sound of it's lullaby and drift back to the first few days of your life when I would hold you for hours and days. Your baby smell, the little grunts and squeaks you made as you nestled into my embrace. I had no idea what joy you would bring to my life and I am forever thankful you picked me. It cheers me up to think of the person you are and who you will become as I am already so proud of you.

The time I spent fussing over you and worrying about you is what makes me crazy. This time is now unwarranted and leaves wondering what to do with myself. Mornings are the toughest when I know you are not there, but still I check on you anyway and long to hear your baby voice greet me with your enthusiastic "Hi!" as you scramble to hand me something from your crib. I caress the soft sheets of your crib with the entire palm of my hand, caressing my own heartache.
Life changing events like this one don't allow you to just be. I must "suck it up" and "keep on keepin on" while donning the game face and chin-up strut to fool everyone that I haven't crumbled as a result of my own decision to change our lives. It is spring now and with that comes things anew.If someone would only tell me how to breathe I might shake this sorrow and seize the day.

Thank you for picking me to be your momma, I love you little man.

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