It's gorgeous and sunny outside and I am in my pajamas still, working from home. With all of this running I have been doing my left ankle is really bothering me today so I opted for the safe route and am icing it. Deep down though this ankle pain seems as though it is seeping out of my heart and into other body parts to get me to pay attention. I have good days, great days and lonely days. Today is the latter of the three, where I seem to have lost my grip on the "everything is going to be alright" line and am slipping into the "oh my god, my life is too hard". Which it really isn't. I have my health, a healthy child, a roof over my head. I am not swimming through feet of water due to a hurricane. But man, this single parenthood is an empty lonely place. My older friends call it "trailblazing", when you are the first in your group of friends to: get married, buy a house, have a baby, get divorced, etc. I have done all of that already, all on my own warp-speed of living and it has left me empty in a way I am finding hard to describe. Having done all of this, it still isn't enough.
This is a good "I want my mom" day. A day where someone says "everything is going to be alright", and I can blubber words through tears and not feel ashamed for the dumb choices I have made. Where I can laugh at how pathetic I am even though I feel like a pancake on the sidewalk that no one is noticing. Most of this loneliness is my own fault. I tend to make sure people think I am a tough cookie and that "I am fine" when I am truly quite the opposite.