Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Hasta la vista 20's....
I made it! I am finally 30 and it's great! I am no longer "the kid" or the youngest one at the office. Apparently I appear to know things and I even have smile lines forming outside my eyes. I would however like the next 5 years to go by slowly so I can savor them like a well cooked Italian meal. Turning 30 reminds me of opening the back door of my childhood home, coming in out of the freezing cold to a warm (often drafty) old house with the smell of brownies filling the air. Cheesy description but it's true. I feel welcomed here in my 30's, most people I talk to look back on their 20's and say "boy your 30's are so much better". Your 20's are like this arduous obstacle course with booby traps and trap doors.
My 20's were full of mistakes and experiences, obviously all of them molding me into the person I am now but goddamn it was hard! I ate pasta with salt on it cause I was so broke. I didnt have enough money to pay T fare to get to my miserable temp job stuffing envelopes. My relationships with men were part of my identity and my time was governed by whether or not my current boyfriend was with me. I had no idea who I was, how strong I was - I simply seemed to survive. That's no way to live! C'mon now, waiting around for your man to call you? that's a bunch of crap!
Now I feel rather confident in just chilling out. Taking a break from the panic and fear of "oh no! I am not going to make it!" and enjoying all that I have accomplished. How often do we do that in our lives? It's never enough, we have to make more money, buy more stuff, etc. etc.
I dropped my son off at daycare today. He is growing up at a rapid pace these days and my heart hurts knowing I am missing 50% of his time. He was fine, he enjoys his school and friends. Today his class was on the playground and he ran in all excited to see his friends. A minute went by and he turned to the fence, realizing I was leaving and walked up to where he could see over the fence and waved "bye mommy" to me several times. It's heartwrenching. I have to force my feet to turn and get in the car. My brain tortures me with "what if this is the last moment you ever see him?" - it's awful. As I walked away I heard a faint " I love you" in the distance as he continued to wave to me. Makes me cry as I type this. Motherhood sure teaches you how to feel each moment of your life, good and bad.
My sister recently got married. She is beaming and so happy. Her wedding actually helped me see some of the romantic side of marrying the right person. Family drama aside, the wedding was just what she wanted and hearing her choke up during her vows woke me up. I have been pressing snooze on romance for quite sometime folks, assuring people that I didnt need it, it was no good and to watch out for it if it happens. What is my problem? ok, so I am awake now and boy romance feels good when you aren't busy looking for the other shoe to drop!
Posted by FlyDi at 10:02 AM