Breathe

Ever get that feeling....the one where you fill up your lungs, holding the air deep for a second? As you let it go you feel that very moment in life will be a memory you wont soon forget? This happens for me when I see my son after a few days and he says "mommie! I missed you - you came back!" There's no way to explain to him that I didnt want to leave him, and that I am haunted by him when he is not with me. "This is just how it is" seems horribly unfair. I wish I could find the words to capture the way it feels to leave my child every Wednesday morning, knowing I wont see him till Friday or even Monday. I go through the motions, unclipping his seat belt and gathering his bag - which is full of toys and things he wants to bring to his father's house. How does he feel as he waves goodbye to me from the windows of his school, in between shapes of flowers and bugs? My heart in my mouth, fighting tears I go through this weekly occurrence. It simply wont get better.

I have a man in my life who makes me want to have more children. Just typing that sentence reminds me of the misery I went through with my son's pregnancy - I simply cant believe I even feel this way. I knew my son was "sent forth from the others" to ensure that they would in fact be born. I am certain he was required to be so sweet, beautiful and full of life no matter what to trick me into forgetting how much pregnancy sucks! Regardless, I wonder what it is like to have a supporting, unselfish partner to go through those life-changing nine months with. Is it more relaxing? I imagine it to be peaceful with time to enjoy what's happening instead of worrying about paying the mortgage. What's it like to be excited about the new baby instead of afraid of all the changes it brings? I watch this man of mine kiss my child, play with him and care for him as though he were his own. It's not because he is trying to impress me either - and when he asks me "do you think the little guy loves me?" I melt.