What kind of crap is that? I dont recall putting that on my list. At times I feel as though I might keel over and die from the heartached I am currently going through. It occurred to me earlier this week that my elvis-loving-suddenly-reclusive boyfriend was "holding on" through the holidays. So I ended it, OVER THE PHONE. Awful, I know but when the words poured out of my mouth, my alter-protective-ego took over. I shocked myself. I just simply couldn't wait for Mr. Wonderful to figure out if I was "the one" anymore. Who does that? Ok, I'll just sit over here unloved while you figure out if you are gonna dump me. No thanks. Oddly enough, I hadnt even put any pressure on him about it - apparently he has a sense of urgency about determining his future. My status of single mom with joint custody became a tough pill for him to swallow - further breaking my heart - as my ability to uproot and move anywhere is somewhat limited. However, all of these things are not deal breakers when you are in love with someone. So I digested this over the weekend and realized that I was now staring in this very scene from Jerry McGuire:
"I've got this great guy. And he loves my kid. And he sure does like me a
lot. And I can't live like that. It's not the way I'm built."
If only my script ended as Dorothy's did in Jerry McGuire. Something is missing for him. But I feel like I have lost so much more.......
Considering the holidays are coming up I would say I am doing better than I would have expected. I attended my Christmas Party alone, where they promptly displayed GIGANTIC photos of him and I from Halloween prompting folks to ask where he was. These photos rotated above my head on a white tarp all fucking night. Wonderful. His name was printed on a name tag when you walked in, I snatched it up, crinkled it in my hand and threw it out - all in 2 seconds. I have to hand over my phone to a friend so I wont call him. I have to remember that HE needs to pull the Say Anything move out of his ass, not me.
I cant believe we were 3 weeks shy of a year together. I cant believe I am writing this blog post.