Saturday, October 06, 2007

Paradigm cliche!

Thank god I am divorced. I truly feel that way. I have officially been divorced longer than I was married now - and my son, well 75% of his life he has now spent shuffling between two houses. I dont regret my decision in any way shape or form. Yes it affects my son, but this is his life and he will have things to sort out, understand, hate - and I will help him through it all, to see how important it is to take care of yourself.

He's protective of me now, and thrives on helping me carry something. I am afraid that this will magnify for him as he gets older and I continue to date. Part of me wishes I could have just settled down with someone and given him that stable world, but that word "settle" freaks me out. I just dont see how I can be ME and be married? How does that work when you are bored? What do you do? Some dont hate their spouse, they just arent excited anymore, but their world grows emptier and emptier - the ol' "Lonely in a crowd of people" feeeling.

For the first time in my life I am experiencing a major major roll reversal. I dont want to get married and my boyfriend does. He wants to be a young dad, he is in love with me and is clearly daydreaming about a candlelit wedding full of family and friends. He is shocked that I dont discuss my "ideal wedding" randomly like "most women". I have ripped his heart out over this topic, THEN I froze it with my bare hands - all because he was curious about my reaction to proposing. Perhaps time is all we need, I see major differences - ones I cant change, nor can he, and I have comfortably settled into a view of "this isnt going to work". 7 months isnt enough time to know for sure about the rest of your life. But here I am, I am the one saying "why do you want to get married so bad?!". Isnt that a guy thing to do?? Memories of the giant engagement ring an x gave me come back. I felt branded, controlled, trapped. These are not the right feelings. I would forget to put it on, and he would flip out and turn the car around and make me wear it. Shouldn't I want to wear it?

I want to feel like my heart will die if that person isn't in my life. I want to feel honored to wear the ring, not embarrassed. I want to feel secure in my decision to "forsake all others". I want a bond like the one people think my twin brother and I have, you know what I mean. "If he gets hurt do you feel it?". I have said this before, I want him to challenge me - intellectual intercourse that leaves me aching for more. So here I am, staring at the cursor, fully content with my life - the nightmare my man is enduring. My insecurities no longer drive me to make needy decisions (quick let's get married!), and my life will be fun and lively with or without a man.

I make no apologies for this stance, I only wish I figured it out sooner.

1 comment:

littlemissmustachio said...

Honey, I hear ya. How DO strong, independent, change-loving women get married and continue to feel challenged and happy - not stifled??? I just can't imagine. If you find the answer please share it with me! Otherwise I'll plan on kickin' some shuffleboard ass together as old, fun, fiesty, single grannies.